Well let's see.. Growing up I was always on the chubbier side. I didn't ever care until I entered Junior High and starting caring. People's opinion started to matter and people are mean and don't realize how words can affect a person, I was teased and called names at times. I saw other girls in school fit in there clothes differently and I didn't like it . I have a very controlling and competitive personality and I didn't feel in charge of my body.  At that point I did not let it get to me to much.

It was the summer of 1998 I was about 12.  As a child I would spend my summers with my dad and Brother in Mexico. My parents divorced when I was 4 years old, my sister and I always had our parents and family in our lives. My dad did remarried and had my brother with my stepmother. We were very happy growing up and felt very complete, until my dad one day made a mistake and was punished for it, he was sent to Mexico for his punishment and our worlds were turned around. My dad no longer could come pick us up when he wanted. We now had to plan trips to Mexico to see him and usually the only time was summer that I was able to see him. He opened a restaurant and I started to work for him over the summers. I was the only waitress in the beginning, we were very busy throughout the day, which gave me little time to eat and that is where it all started.....

 I started to notice that my clothes was fitting me a little loose and people started commenting on my weight loss.. "wow you have lost some weight, you look good" and I liked it. I realized that the reason I was loosing weight was because I wasn't eating enough. I still didn't let it get to me too much, I started to skip a meal here and there, then I made it a point to skip meals. When I went back home my mom and sister where very surprised to see me. They said I look great, I went to my dads weighing about 128 and came back weighing about 115 I am 5'0 feet tall. So I was still healthy looking but it was noticeable that I had lost weight. I still had two weeks until Freshman year, first year of High School "Big".

  I started running and still continued to skip meals. It was not as easy to skip meals though because my sister and mom were always paying attention and I think they kinda of noticed what was going on, so they were keeping a eye on me. So I started running and exercising before and after meals.  When I would have to eat certain things I would chew it as if I was eating then when they weren't looking I would spit it out in a napkin. First day of school came around and I was down to about 110 pounds. Everyone from Junior High School could not believe how much I had lost, everyone would comment on it, people where noticing me that would not notice me before. I could not believe that 18 pounds could make such a difference. I became obsessed with my weight and exercising.  I was so scared of gaining the weight back. I was not going to let that happen, my personality is not the type to give in and I was not going to. At this point I was in control of it, I had cut most bad foods out and I was always finding a way to work out.  I went to my dads for the summer and worked hard and it got worse, I was not eating very much and on top of that I was growing up, I was 15 and a sophomore and I decided to stop working over the summers at my dads. At 16 I ended up getting pregnant my Junior year in High School and fortunately got through that without harming the baby. I went my whole Junior year pregnant, fat and unhappy. I had a healthy baby girl and went right back to school a week later. Hardly anyone new I was even pregnant, they all thought I had gained weight. I passed all my classes, this is when I was happy that I was a good student, all my teachers were very sweet and helped me get through all my classes. I always was a very good student, my parents did not let us slip up and thank god for that.  I had my sister in school Freshman year and then she moved on to Collage. But she did get me into Student Council and sports, which was probably the best thing for me, it kept me involved and helped me have only three classes senior year. The summer before Senior year I was determined to lose all the baby weight and some and I did!!

 This is when I was at my worst, I first started the Slim Fast Diet I forgot the rules, that it is a meal replacement and you are supposed to eat food as well with this diet. I skipped the food part and only drank the shakes. At first I was sick and dizzy then I realized that that feeling goes away after awhile. My mood changed I was very grumpy all the time and starving but I managed to loose all the baby weight plus more.  In a matter of 4 months I lost 30 pounds of the baby weight plus 10 pounds, which brought me down to 100 pounds. My family started to tell me that I needed to stop loosing weight and that I actually should gain a few pounds. Little did they know that there was no turning back, I was in control of my weight and was a full fledged anorexic.

  I thought I was finally in charge and happy but then I realized that I wanted to loose a few more pounds then I could stop.  But I never did, Senior year I was 98 pounds. People could not believe how I looked, they where amazed, at that point they knew I had a baby and wanted to know how I lost all the weight. I lied and said a "HEALTHY DIET".  Little did everyone know that all the compliments were making me want more and more. By the end of the year I was 84 pounds and shrinking.  Although I never admitted it my family all knew I was sick, they did everything. Fed me and threatened me,  they said they would tie me down or send me to a rehabilitation center, they cried and cried. I hated seeing them sad but it was too late even if I wanted to gain a few pounds I thought how hard it would be. I was completely taken by this awful Disease. It was winning.

  I graduated, I was sick, hungry and sad. I finally started to realize that there was only two ways to get better and that was to go up or down, literally.  If I chose up that meant attention I did not want, I was scared of the words "oh you gained weight" or "you look good", or" you look better" because to me those all meant I was fatter or fat now. But if I chose down that meant below 80 pounds and death. I didn't want that, I loved life and my family, I didn't want to die, I was just obsessed with being skinny. But I decided to change, So I gained a few pounds, then hated it so I lost it and continued on that track up and down up and down. I was going crazy. At one point I remember laying in my kitchen on the floor crying, I was hungry and sad and felt as if I lost myself.. I wanted so badly to change, I was scared of everything around me.

I tried everything, so I thought.

  I continued to go up and down, I ate and then I didn't. It was me "a walking talking diet". I realized that 9 years had passed and I was still sick and although I was skinny I was unhappy, I did not want to be that person, I had a little girl who looks up to me and I never wanted her to go through that. I was 21 and I had a closet full of fat clothes and skinny clothes. One day I decided to join a gym so I did "Bally Total Fitness" my Savior.  I started going a few days a week and was copying the trainers around me workouts and it was working, I was eating healthy and working out five times a week and was starting to feel healthy. I also started to look online for support sites and found a few places that helped me talk about everything. It helped me talk with others  who have gone through the same thing I had gone through and I was able to help others as well. There were councilors that helped me online. I was at a healthy weight 105 pounds and I was kind of feeling like myself.  I continued to workout and talk to people online and finally a year passed and I was okay with myself.  I now and then gained A few pounds and that meant running a little more. But I realized that, that was my answer to be comfortable with myself. I am now 25 years old and still working out and eating healthy. I have my moments and have fallen back into it a few times  in those years but I am happy and fighting it everyday.

  I think what people do not realize about Eating Disorders is that it is a Disease and a sickness, It is very powerful and damaging. It never goes away completely, just like alcoholism and drug addiction, it is that, an addiction. Although the person thinks they have control of it, "they don't" it will always be with the person and it is  very easy to fall back into.  Some people do it to be in control because they feel as if they are not in control of whatever is going on in there life. Or maybe something happened to them growing up and it is their way out,  or in my case they just plain and simply want to be "SKINNY" or maybe for other reasons I have not named. Because I myself do not know all the reasons. Whether it be overeating, bulimia or anorexia it is hard, scary and powerful, many people suffer with this. It is a exhausting battle for the person and family/friends  and unless you have been through it you just have to try and understand.

 I pray every day for those who do have this Disease.  I was one of the lucky ones that got through it and although everyday is a battle, with the help of my family/friends, prayer, the gym, and online help such as this amazing site IXaddict.  I have many incredible people around me and have been lucky to have the life I have had. There is always hard times and always will be. But as they say, those times make you stronger.  My goal is to talk to others who feel as if there is no way out or help, I want to tell them that there is. I also want to tell them about the good online help and the bad online help and I just want to help others get through it, 13 years of it and still going, it is possible.  Thank you for taking time and reading my story.. Please feel free to ask questions!!

Adriana